brazil nuts!!

summa muh summa

me and lolo the friendly giant

100

i was not-so-subtly reminded that i havent written anything in ages. so here you go. me and my grandmother. this is 2 weeks after her cake-smashing, topless dancing on the table 100th birthday. isnt she beautiful??

Fat Man and Foot In Mouth

so my mother decided to do a very vietnamese-from-abroad touristy thing and hire a mercedes benz van complete with fat driver to tour the country. apparently my idea of traveling by train/bus/rickshaw did not appeal to her and she felt the family deserved to travel in style and comfort. so we packed up my aunt and a couple of cousins at our normal wakeup hour of 5am (ow), waved goodbye to those staying behind--including the fuzzy rodent friend of mine who took refuge in my hair one night-- and left the sweltering madness of ho chi minh city.

for those who have never been to asia and observed the road rules, please note that there are none. left, right, lanes, lights do not exist and the only rule i noted was that you couldnt drive above 45mph. so not only were were swerving all over the place to avoid the cows and bicycles that outnumbered the vehicles, but the driver was honking the horn every other minute to alert the potential victims in our path as we crept slowly up the coastline. he had a collection of hand signals that javi&i spent hours trying to discern. in the end, we gave up and figured he was just large, deranged, and out to rob my mother. and considering my mother refused to use my moneybelt and preferred instead to stuff a plastic grocery bag crammed full of dong down the front of her pants, i dont blame him for trying.

the main objective of this roadtrip was to attend to family matters and visit my mother's old village. i was glad that we had a goal because otherwise, we would have just driven the entire length of the coastline and done nothing but stop periodically to eat. my family doesnt seem to be into taking pictures, relaxing at beautiful vistas, or checking out local people. boring! it's much more fun to drive for hours on end and just stare out of the window. and, of course, visit exciting places such as cemetaries.

we went to pay our respects to my grandfather and great-grandparents. the cemetary was a haphazard overgrown hill of tombs, crosses, and shrines and i was amazed that we could actually find the gravesites. both were enormous, clean, impressive, the family having put in a pretty penny to lay the dead to rest. (apparently, upon visiting 2 years earlier, they found the one gravesite covered in cowpoop and were absolutely appalled) the usual ceremony ensued, complete with incense and prayers. it was a very special, serene moment. then i pointed out to my family that the dates were incorrect on my great-grandmother's tombstone. jesus christ. could someone please gag me and throw me into a bottomless pit??

Memory Fades with Old Age

mmm...yeah. so did i really go to vietnam or what? it's been half a year and ive failed in my mission to record the trip in its entirety here. sigh. im such a goddamn slackass. now i cant decide if i should attempt to continue it or just post some of my favourite pictures from the journey. hmm. maybe i could attempt a summary and post lots of pix. or just post key words that might provide the essence of what the 3 weeks was all about. or write a haiku. how many syllables are in each line? i always forget. jesus, what do i remember anyway? back in the day i used to keep a diary, but now i just get cramps in my hand so screw that. pbbbttt!!

im pathetic. so here are a few pictures to view while i pull myself together. just fun stuff for now. i'll shock later with tales of the leper colony and the viet cong.

blowing dust off an old cover

So my mother asked me to accompany her to vietnam. i was ready. i had ideas, visions, plans... horrible buses, street scams, dodgy adventures! however, my mom decided that after pre-dreaming about the trip for a year, that she was more confident to take the reins and lead the way. or just invite her friend hoa to do that for her. having been on visits a few times previously and being a native vietnamese who also married an american, hoa was 'experienced' and gave my mother the feeling of security that she lacked. she knew how to pack, deal with questions at immigration, and handle the trip in the 'proper' way for someone who left their homeland, is richer and now considered 'foreign'.

hoa also booked our tickets. it took 2 DAYS to get to vietnam from florida (excruciating to say the least), but we made it. ive never gone through immigration in any airport that allows you to go in pairs--or even groups! but apparently, my mother was not going alone, so she and hoa went together. they then waited at the end of the counter for javi and myself to go through. ! is that legal? i guess every country has their own policies...we didnt have any problems in the end, though i did get some sarcasm from the immigration official who quickly realized that i was a 'mix' and thus, not to be well-received.

children of vietnamese/american partnerships are known in vietnam as 'bui doi' or 'can loi', meaning 'less than dust'. after the war ended, thousands of bui doi were exported from vietnam to camps or any country that would take them. those that remained in the country suffered innumerable abuses and lived at the lowest level of the social spectrum. some countries (such as australia) began accepting these warbabies in the 70s, but the US did not offically invite mixed children until 1988, when 25,000 vietnamese-americans raced over to escape persecution and some, to find their never-before-seen parents. having grown up only in western culture, i was unaware of the stigma i was carrying and consider myself extremely fortunate to have been one of the 'lucky' bui doi. the worst i have/had to deal with are the occasional stares and/or awkward silences of some of the vietnamese populace--in vietnam only, of course.

i recommend 'The Beautiful Country' (2004) to have a visual idea of what was happening in the early 90s to the bui doi.

obviously,not all vietnamese carry this prejudice of mixed children---least of all, my family! even though i speak barely any of the language, it's smiles and love all around, always. we arrived in ho chi minh city and emerged from the airport into a crowd of at least 200 people, all waiting in the sweltering heat for loved ones to submerge. within seconds, 8 of my family came running to surround and welcome us. it was a bit shocking, really, and completely insane. i think javi was overwhelmed. my mother and i loved it. they herded us and our bags into a rented van complete with driver and we sped through the city towards their home.

all in the family

So, after much delay and hoohaw, i am finally moving my as-yet-untanned booty (damn!) to share some words and pix about my recent trip to vietnam. Having left her homeland 33 years ago during the war (Vietnam War, people) (or American War, as known by locals), my mother was finally ready to return and see what had become of her country and i, having been once before, was more than happy to accompany her and 'show her the way'. (guffaw) javi joined us as official photographer/videographer and asia virgin, as did hoa, a good friend of my mother whom, as much as i love her, could be defined as a female michael jackson. the surgery thing. more on that later.

trips to asia conjure up all sorts of visions and ideas...temples, tea, noodle soup, kung fu, babies with fuckedup haircuts...buddhism, taoism, confucianism, maoism, gettin' jiggy with ho chi minism...everyone is on a different search, mission, holiday ideal, culinary adventure, photographic spectacle, sexual exploration, spiritual enlightenment, corrupt business trip, massage therapy. but not me. oh no. i did all of that the LAST time i came through here. no, this time it was about family. and how i was lucky enough to be brought into this world via two distinctly different cultural avenues, one of which i only partially was aware of.

the family which features on this trip includes my fantastically agile 80-year old auntie binh, her 10 children and their children. about 20 people in total, plus spouses and other people connected by crazily drawn bloodlines. this number accounts for only one-fifth of the number of people on my mom's side of the family, the rest more or less living in the US. i havent even met one-third of them yet! the vietnamese, like many asian populations, are breeding people. we all know the traditional explanation that large families are valued, children sustain the family name/honor, everyone cares for each other through the years and the line continues. while all that is true, i just like to think that my family likes sex. i do. and in such a warm, tropical climate...why not do it and have loads of kids?? make love, not war, right?

unfortunately for the vietnamese, they've had an unending history of only making love AND war, with very few breaks in-between.

everyone wants a gay boyfriend

http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mcneal/mirror/gb_medium.html

a well-endowed island

i decided to put this picture and only this picture of tenerife on the blog as ive realized that for some, it is cruel and unusual punishment to throw a tropical paradise into the faces of the many people who are scraping ice off of their windshields and suffering frostbite whilst collecting their post everyday. but as many people have absolutely NO idea where i am living now, i thought id send a foto. (the Canary Islands are located off the coast of Morocco. morocco is on the continent of africa. the islands are a part of spain, however, not of africa. that means i still live in europe, even if the continent is a 2 hour flight away!)

note that even though the island is known as 'the land of eternal spring,' the weather varies across the island, depending on the elevation you are at. the highest point (see picture) is called "El Teide"-- many people mispronounce it by saying "El Titty", but it is actually "Tay-day"--at an altitude of 3700m. thus, we do get snow here! even if it is only on the Teide. notice it is naturally breasted, in fine form, and that the view from the top is highly titillating. also notice that i recognize how completely retarded that last line is, but that due to popular request, i am making my final allusions to nudity. for now.

beach bummin'

To continue the nekked theme, i thought id share my favourite beach (so far) here in tenerife. Called 'los patos', this black sand beach is at the north of the island and accessible only by foot. In fact, part of the pathway there is an old, concrete stairway which is missing it's middle section! You have to navigate yourself along a precarious cliff edge past the 3 meters of stairs that have crumbled away. But once you make it to the beach, it's paradise. Maximum of 20 people usually. Mostly nude. Quiet, tranquil. And because the beach isnt super-accessible and non-existent in the wintertime, you relish the times you do go.

Btw, that big ass is not mine. Javi's is real, but do you think i would show you my ass? Airbrushing, m'dears. It's the way forward!